The Source of Love is in the heart, not in the mind.
A nursing home; a dutiful daughter (let’s call her Chris) visits her old father regularely there, and he always enjoys seeing her. She asks him routinely how is he going, and he answers by telling little stories from his life there. Then he asks her how is she, and she responds in general words that she is ok. Time slowly goes by, and the visit goes to its end. Usually, in the end of the visit, as a farewell, the father says “remember, you can always account on me, just tell me what you need, I’ll be always in help”. Daughter smiles politely and nods but she thinks: what this old men could do for her? Was he ever really there for her? Really?… In her heart she feels an old wound slightly touched again; to go back to her life she must forget it, wipe it out with every step when leaving him; something would stay in her like irritatation with a bit contempt; that sequence of words, emotions and thoughts would be repeated like an inevitable ritual. Maybe she thinks also: “I’m better than you, father”, and this way she loses connection with her vulnerable inner child; she can’t be a little innocent daughter if she is “bigger” than her father; she can’t give him his responsibility for his past attitudes if she takes now responsibility for the past by hiding her heart needs. The responsibility which doesn’t belong to her as a child. Orders of Love are distorted and responsibility is misplaced.
They aren’t close to each other – adult, middle age daughter and ageing, unwell and vulnerable father. Asked why she does visit him – she says that it’s just her duty as a daughter to visit her lonely father; but her other siblings don’t visit their father so regularely.
What is hidden in their encounter that is so important but so scary in the same time?
Let’s start from what is on the surface; the words, behaviours and thoughts come from a conditioned mind – from censored memories, from embodied and remembered pain, from unfulfilled emotional needs, from imprinted patterns of negative thinking which are like iron bars in the prison of the protective mind. The prison is dark and musty, but it gives an illusion of safety. Protection against being hurt, survival – seem to be more important than anything else – so strong are memories of being hurt.
Let’s have a deep look under the hard shell of the protective mind; what is under the surface of resentment, numbing pain and denying of being hurt? What is so scary to look at? What was interrupted in the past and get hardened by the shell of protection?
There is heart desire to love. That’s the prisoner of the mind – the vulnerable heart – longing for freedom to give love and to receive love in a continuous flow.
The Language of the Heart
Daughter’s Heart says: “Dear Dad, I love you in my heart, and I remember these sparks in your eyes and your smile when I was little and you were looking at me. I remember people were saying that I was your beloved daughter. Your love stayed in my heart even when you had left us.”
Father’s Heart says: “My beautiful daughter; I love you dearly. You are my joy and a gift given to me. I miss the time we were together – you as my little princess, and me as your proud father. I will always cherish you in my heart”. Maybe there is more to say from the father’s heart…
To read the love language, you need to open your heart and listen with your heart, not with your ears.
Hania Gorski
Systems in our Life - Entanglement and Success 